Unoffical SHEILD Rules
by Tarya Ni awtu
Summary: Agent Coulson is relaying a list of rules to some new cadets


**Unofficial S.H.E.I.L.D Rules**

The whole Helicarriers cargo bay was bustling with new cadets. It was like a room full of children.

Looking at them with an evil glint in his eye agent Coulson held his clipboard tightly to his chest. This wasn't his favourite part of the job but it had to be done.

Once all the young cadets had settled down and sat in an assembly line. One cadet leaned to another "must be important if they have to speak to us" the cadet next to him looked at him "yeah must be if they are going to all this fuss" they were soon silenced when agent Coulson stepped out in front of them

"Good evening cadets. I know you must be eager to get to your posts but first we have to go through some rules"

"Rules?! What rules?!" shouted one Cadet

"Yeah we already know the rules!" shouted another cadet

Agent Coulson rolled his shoulders. "Well these are unofficial rules that must be followed to the letter"

And he began . . .

Don't play on video games while at your work station. It's very distracting

Stop asking Loki about giving birth to an eight legged horse

Don't ask him about having sex with a horse either

Don't call Thor point break

Don't call captain America old man or grandpa

No captain America was not in dads army so stop asking him

Richard stark is not the most important person in the universe. His ego is big enough don't encourage him

Captain America and iron man are not an item

STOP TRYING TO MAKE BANNER ANGRY!

Stop trying to make alchemy experiments in the science lab. Banner will get pissed at you

Don't attempt to steal Thor's hammer. It is a fruitless attempt as only he can pick it up.

Unless you want an arrow in the knee please don't take the mick out of Hawkeye having no powers

Stop hiding Hawkeyes arrows

Stop trying to get captain America drunk. It won't work. He can't get drunk

Don't challenge Thor to a drinking contest. You will loose

Stop performing 'panty raids'

Please stop asking Agent Colsen if he thinks captain America is gorgeous.

Stop sending captain America 'strip-o-grams'. Geez guys he's not that kind of guy

Stop sending Banner leaflets to anger management classes

No, banner will not show you his mini-hulk. Stop asking

Stop playing loud rap over the ships intercom

Stop asking agent Romanov if she likes S&M

Loki doesn't know of a famous actor called Tom Hiddleston and why you are comparing this mortal to him

No, Thor is not captain Kirks father. (Who the hell is this captain kirk anyway?!)

When all the avengers are together in their outfits stop saying that they all belong in an 80's rock group

Don't tease captain America about misunderstanding the meaning of 'fondue'

Stop stealing captain Americas shield

Stop stealing Loki's helmet

Whoever keeps on asking Pepper Potts out please stop? You're beginning to make Stark jealous.

Taking the jets out for a joyride is hereby banned

Anyone who attempts to look under Nick Fury's eye patch will be extremely sorry they did

Please stop sending fan-girls to Loki's holding cell he is traumatized as it is from the last lot.

The same goes for any of the other avengers

Stop reminding captain America that he was once a pipsqueak. He doesn't want to remember those days.

Stop sending Stark leaflets to STD tests. Your upsetting him

Stop subscribing captain America to the playboy magazine

The teseract is not a rubix cube. Stop staying that it is.

Whoever is hiding Thor's pop tarts please give them back to him, if you're interested in living

Stop playing AC/DC over the aircraft carriers comm system.

Don't ask banner to make you a Light Saber again. We have the video and it failed badly.

He won't make you a tardis either

Or warp drive

No Loki won't give you his views on screwing animals

Whoever attached a jolly roger to the back of the aircraft carrier could you please remove it?

If you get lost on the aircraft carrier please stop and ask for directions. Don't use breadcrumb trails

Do not get pick- up lines from Stark. They will land you in jail or hospital

No Dr. Banner cannot come up with a cure for extreme idiocy

Who told Thor that if you touch turtles you die? Real life is not like a game of Mario.

Do not axe-bomb peoples rooms. (Stark already does this)

Don't end a transmission with 'end of line'

Please remove the disco ball that's on the bridge

STOP SENDING HOSTILES CANDY BASKETS!

Stop asking Captain America how old he is. It upsets him

Stop asking Thor how old he is. No way that's going to happen

Stop riding Segway's down the corridor

Same goes for skateboards

And rollerblades

Stop standing in front of the mess hall and blocking Thors way saying 'You shall not pass' you will get a hammer smashing in your face

Stop giving Loki random 'Hug Attacks' (NO SERIOUSLY, STOP PLEASE)

Thor doesn't eat salad. Please stop telling the chef that he does.

Please stop the jokes about Thor dressing up as a woman. Stark already gives him a hard time about it.

And the jokes about nearly being drowned in Period blood with Loki. The others already give them both a hard time about that

A towel is not an effective weapon against the Chitowri. Please stop saying so we all know where it's from. We've all watched 'The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy'

Stop spiking peoples coffee

Stop spiking Captain Americas coffee (Refer to Rule #14)

Stop pinning signs to Thors back

No banner does not know how to make an 'improbability drive' stop asking

Who put a live monkey into Thors quarters?

No Stark is not a transformer

Nor is he Optimus Primes son

Stop attaching bells to Thors cape

If you see the hulk running towards you, RUN. Don't stand there and ask him if he wants a hug.

Stop asking Thor if you can borrow is hammer to do D.I.Y.

Don't invite Captain America to go clubbing with you. Cause he wont

Don't steal Thors shampoo

Stop asking Thor if he is a L'Oreal model

Stop calling him Th'Oreal

Can someone please ask Spiderman to remove the huge web he's made in the Rec Room

Stop using Spiderman as target practice using Hawkeyes arrows (Refer to Rule #13)

Stop driving golf balls off the Helicarrier's launch pad.

Agent Coulson's first name is Phil NOT Agent

Stop asking Stark for a huge bag of weed. Last time the weed got into a lasagne NOT good especially with Thor

Don't call Hawkeye Legolas

Stop calling Loki 'Derek The Sheep'

If Iron Man offers you water. DON'T DRINK IT. Cause he's already passed it and its been filtered in his suit (Captain America fell for that)

Don't chase spider man with a shoe

Or a newspaper

Or a slipper

Or bug spray

Don't sing the 'insey wincy spider' song around Spiderman

No the Hulk did not model for the green giant sweet corn company

Stop asking Black Widow if she is Spiderman's cousin

Don't call nick fury 'Barbosa'

Who bought him the peg leg and parrot for Christmas?

No nick fury does not own a ship called the Black Pearl

He doesn't have a pet monkey either

No Hawkeye does not have merry men and he doesn't steal from the rich and give to the needy

No Spiderman does not wear eyeliner. It's just part of his costume

Hulk shall not be named Shrek. He is not and ogre and he don't live in a swamp with a talking donkey.

When the Helicarrier's flying in the air and is invisible please don't stand on the deck when airline charters go by. Don't make the matter worse by doing a stupid dance. It's just a headache for Nick fury to explain your stupidity to the council.

When agent Coulson finished he looked up from his clipboard only to face the horrified expressions on the cadet's faces

One cadet put his hand up.

"Yes" said agent Coulson. Pointing towards the cadet

"So how did Loki give birth to an eight legged horse then?"


End file.
